Heh, I know you posted this a while ago, and you've pretty much forgotten about it by now, but I just wanted to comment.
First, it lacks any semblance of grammar. Remember these three rules of posting literature: capitalize, punctuate, and proofread. It doesn't take long, you don't have to be an expert writer to do it, and it makes a big difference.
Second, I like how you compare death to riding off on a train. It makes a lot of sense, and it's easy to visualize. Both are key components in metaphor and imagery. However, it seems to me that there really isn't much there to describe anything. You only used one adjective: exhausted. Very black and white, not colorful like a good description should be. And though it may seem contradictory, you can use a colorful description to paint a greyscale image.
Finally, the poem isn't very cohesive. It seems to be held together only by it's short length. If you were to rewrite and expand the idea further, you would definitely need to tie concepts together. Poetry isn't a line. It's a spider web, with each idea branching off of another, all tied together somehow.
The potential for a great poem is there, but it just needs to be refined. If you ever rewrite your poetry, feel free to use my suggestions at your own discretion. I would also be more than willing to help you out, if you so choose.
thank you for the thoughtful feedback. i'm not really getting into poetry though...no worries of that if i should however, i would continue to reserve all rights to the punctuation, capitalization and proofreading.
Like I said before, it was just a suggestion, not a requirement. You are still the author. I just compare it to any other art form, like photography. When you take a photo, you consider lighting, focus, exposure and whatnot, so why not consider capitalization and punctuation when writing a poem?
And you're welcome for the critique. I can't say much about your photography, as excellent as it is and as unskilled as I am, so I do what I can.
you sure re-define wild life photographer, should be 2 words foryou and not one. amazing style... i looked through them all and i had to stop at this. y> because look at all of your other work throughout your submissions. this stands out, it stands out to me at least. the poetry is very simple, but to the point. its a brief expression on what could be expressed be a million words, and still not be done justice. youve summed your thoughts up nicly and it is very poetic, so is the picture. i believe the picture is as poetic as the peice tho. wether or not it was intended for this work, or not it dose fit well..... i think beter then a picture of one of the many portraits you have.....
ok well im done....
im really no one to be saying anything i guess.. but the work, peice whatever... it stood out...
um... i'm surprised that this has won so many favourites... not that it is awful.. just that it is pretty bland...
hmmm.. i don't mean taht in a rude sense.. it just ensd to quickly.. now i love short, succinct poetry.. however.. this seems to lull with the image and statement.. there isn't enough in those lines to strike me....
oh well.... punctuation will help the audience to read this better...
damn that bigsur, hes full of shit. When I saw that suzi9mm submitted a pom, I almost died. The best photographer in the world writes too! I want your autograph haha. This is definitally a good poem. Very symbolic, and I love it.
i appreciated you more as a photographer. a great photographer.
an ok poet.
this is a good example of people being brain-washed so much by art that they can accept anything as worthy of a 'today's favourite'.
don't get me wrong. i don't think the poem is bad, i just don't feel there is anything quite so dramatic in it that deserves the huge levels of attention this is getting, when there are others i've spotted around who really can write amazing poetry and will never get noticed like this.
well, as neocow2 pointed out, the poem is the main thing there, the image is a thumbnail, as it says on it, but since you ask;
it doesn't symbolize anything, i took it a couple months back. but the feeling i get from it, the darkness, plain view, winter when the lake is frozen and nature sleeps, the spot of light in the sky...it kind of remind sme of the thoughts in that poem. not in any way directly...it' a personal thing obviously.
hope all is well with your mom, Jenn. its weird to read all the varied reaction to this you got, guess you're a celebrity on this little site. its not really about the poem you made, its just the idea that matters. the idea you show here about death is one i share sometimes, so that made me like this poem.
cheers Jenn. dont let the whole perfectionism thing hold ya back from doing stuff that means a lot to ya like this? maybe... who knows. seeya around
Wow..it's really good, because of the imagery you used, like the exhausted passenger; his had a long journery. Also the metaphor about the train whistling and station, because when i read your piece, i'm reading death because it forms inside my mind. Well done
I'm not scared of death anymore, that will most likely change all over again when I'm ready to go. For now I've almost a sense of complete compfort embracing that which I cannot control. Suppose the most recent funeral reinforced that a bit.
(We've talked about the drawing before. I go through spurts of drawing, rarely showing and never posting. Think there's one in my sifting23 account too.)
i like it in some ways, the first stanza was good...and i was hopeing for more stanza. but then it ended kinda abruptly,,,but then again thats kinda how death is ...it ends too short for someones likeing. i wish that there was more to read i enjoy reading it...i guess in a way you portrayed death...i like it
Have you ever read The Leopard by Guiseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa? The chapter where he describes the Prince's death is on the most intreging things I think I've ever read on the subject of death. I'm certain that he, too, uses a train in his description.
It's the first things I thought of when I read this.
Very nice Short and simple, subtle but to the point. I enjoy pieces that don't speak directly to the topic (in this case, death) but just rely on the imagery of the words to show your meaning.
And I really like the imagery you used