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at the station
one exhausted passenger
the train on the track whistles
you have to obey
get on it
and ride away

one exhausted passenger
the trip ended where it began
i'm no poet it is clear, but this was a way to express what i think of death, in some occasions at least.

inpsired by my mother and the song "matkustaja" by egotrippi
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CoreyDevon Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013
I enjoyed it.
JasmineePearl Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
this is rlly good!!! :D
MasterBasara Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2009
Well, for a none poet...This is really good:D
fashionett Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2008
it tells so much about death
bshuffett Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007
It's not bad. I really enjoy your photography. If you get the chance, I'd love to see what you think of my writing on here :.)
frozenrapids Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2007
very interesting view. I like your description
hawkwrangler Featured By Owner May 11, 2006
You actually ARE a poet! You could convert this easily to a very powerful Haiku (sp?). Otherwise, it is powerful as is. I like this!!
COMETDUST Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2006   Writer
Was there ever a trip?
FinalMinuet Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005
Heh, I know you posted this a while ago, and you've pretty much forgotten about it by now, but I just wanted to comment.

First, it lacks any semblance of grammar. Remember these three rules of posting literature: capitalize, punctuate, and proofread. It doesn't take long, you don't have to be an expert writer to do it, and it makes a big difference.

Second, I like how you compare death to riding off on a train. It makes a lot of sense, and it's easy to visualize. Both are key components in metaphor and imagery. However, it seems to me that there really isn't much there to describe anything. You only used one adjective: exhausted. Very black and white, not colorful like a good description should be. And though it may seem contradictory, you can use a colorful description to paint a greyscale image.

Finally, the poem isn't very cohesive. It seems to be held together only by it's short length. If you were to rewrite and expand the idea further, you would definitely need to tie concepts together. Poetry isn't a line. It's a spider web, with each idea branching off of another, all tied together somehow.

The potential for a great poem is there, but it just needs to be refined. If you ever rewrite your poetry, feel free to use my suggestions at your own discretion. I would also be more than willing to help you out, if you so choose.
suzi9mm Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005   Photographer
thank you for the thoughtful feedback. i'm not really getting into poetry worries of that ;) if i should however, i would continue to reserve all rights to the punctuation, capitalization and proofreading.
FinalMinuet Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2005
Like I said before, it was just a suggestion, not a requirement. You are still the author. I just compare it to any other art form, like photography. When you take a photo, you consider lighting, focus, exposure and whatnot, so why not consider capitalization and punctuation when writing a poem?

And you're welcome for the critique. I can't say much about your photography, as excellent as it is and as unskilled as I am, so I do what I can.
rapidvision Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2006
Sometimes not having any capitalization and punctuation makes it better... :shrug:
cecilia Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2004
it works, simple but serves it's purpose
trippwear Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2004   Photographer
you sure re-define wild life photographer, should be 2 words foryou and not one. amazing style... i looked through them all and i had to stop at this. y> because look at all of your other work throughout your submissions. this stands out, it stands out to me at least. the poetry is very simple, but to the point. its a brief expression on what could be expressed be a million words, and still not be done justice. youve summed your thoughts up nicly and it is very poetic, so is the picture. i believe the picture is as poetic as the peice tho. wether or not it was intended for this work, or not it dose fit well..... i think beter then a picture of one of the many portraits you have.....

ok well im done....

im really no one to be saying anything i guess.. but the work, peice whatever... it stood out...
suzi9mm Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2004   Photographer
thank you for the very thoughtful comment :)

and yes i felt that the photo preview somewhat matched the words i wrote...

thanks again.

MonkDrew Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2004
You may not be a poet but you could have fooled me.

Short, sweet, and strate to the piont. Not to mention very powerfull.
Death being the final journy, no way to stop it, let us return to were we came from. very well done.
angelaobscura Featured By Owner May 30, 2004
nice, simple, but nice, a good expression, i'm glad you took the time to post it :) x
Punt3r Featured By Owner May 28, 2004
i just loved the picture of the ocean!!!! :blowkiss:
Beatyful :)
u go girl ;)
Omnicontemplation Featured By Owner May 26, 2004
well...personally i think that if it was personable or in-depth it would mar the feeling of bland numbness i get out of think it's pretty good... :clap:
areincarnation Featured By Owner May 26, 2004
um... i'm surprised that this has won so many favourites... not that it is awful.. just that it is pretty bland...

hmmm.. i don't mean taht in a rude sense.. it just ensd to quickly.. now i love short, succinct poetry.. however.. this seems to lull with the image and statement.. there isn't enough in those lines to strike me....

oh well.... punctuation will help the audience to read this better...

not a bad poem though... i'm just surprised

suzi9mm Featured By Owner May 26, 2004   Photographer
yeah, as i said, i'm not a poet :nod:

the fact that is has gotten a lot of attention etc, well that's how the world works, it might not be fair but that's how it goes.

saveme07 Featured By Owner May 25, 2004
I like the picture..It depicts death well

lesseroflindsey Featured By Owner May 25, 2004
damn that bigsur, hes full of shit. When I saw that suzi9mm submitted a pom, I almost died. The best photographer in the world writes too! I want your autograph haha. This is definitally a good poem. Very symbolic, and I love it.
bigsur Featured By Owner May 25, 2004
i appreciated you more as a photographer. a great photographer.

an ok poet.

this is a good example of people being brain-washed so much by art that they can accept anything as worthy of a 'today's favourite'.
don't get me wrong. i don't think the poem is bad, i just don't feel there is anything quite so dramatic in it that deserves the huge levels of attention this is getting, when there are others i've spotted around who really can write amazing poetry and will never get noticed like this.

i suppose though, you earned it.
EthernalDark Featured By Owner May 25, 2004
Nice photo ............. i dont want to look like a complete idiot , but what does it simbolize?
suzi9mm Featured By Owner May 25, 2004   Photographer
well, as neocow2 pointed out, the poem is the main thing there, the image is a thumbnail, as it says on it, but since you ask;

it doesn't symbolize anything, i took it a couple months back. but the feeling i get from it, the darkness, plain view, winter when the lake is frozen and nature sleeps, the spot of light in the kind of remind sme of the thoughts in that poem. not in any way' a personal thing obviously.

neocow2 Featured By Owner May 25, 2004
You dont look like a complete idiot, YOU ARE ONE! The art is the poetry.
laidbackinsanity Featured By Owner May 24, 2004  Hobbyist Filmographer
hope all is well with your mom, Jenn. its weird to read all the varied reaction to this you got, guess you're a celebrity on this little site. its not really about the poem you made, its just the idea that matters. the idea you show here about death is one i share sometimes, so that made me like this poem.
cheers Jenn. dont let the whole perfectionism thing hold ya back from doing stuff that means a lot to ya like this? maybe... who knows. :bandaid: :heart: seeya around
hudzi Featured By Owner May 24, 2004
very emotional somehow .. although the words and b&w make it more cool. I guess its the horizon ... so endless with the title. you didnt even needed the song text to express it.
redpixl Featured By Owner May 23, 2004  Professional Interface Designer
:O very nice jenni.
SweetPrincess Featured By Owner May 23, 2004
death?? because?
kisses honey
bobbydarabos Featured By Owner May 23, 2004
short and nice! sometimes the shortest, less-descriptive poems have the greatest impact. it reminds me of the third matrix movie actually... :-\

i honestly don't see how this pic is good for the poem though. i think annother poem would have done nicely... like a subway track leading away into darkness or sumtin.....

koo though!
banxter Featured By Owner May 23, 2004
Excellent poem. Quite emotional, and very creative.
You did really well, seeing as it's really short. It's harder to express yourself as well as you did in less words.


My only complaint is the picture, because it doesn't quite go well with the poem. It does, but there could have been a better one I think.

destinedDESIRE Featured By Owner May 23, 2004
short, but .. very direct and to the point!!!
I like it alot :nod:
dipped-in-hunni Featured By Owner May 23, 2004's really good, because of the imagery you used, like the exhausted passenger; his had a long journery. Also the metaphor about the train whistling and station, because when i read your piece, i'm reading death because it forms inside my mind. Well done :)
drunkkangaroo Featured By Owner May 22, 2004
that's pretty. simple, but beautiful
Kongle Featured By Owner May 22, 2004
I think this is an easy,but brilliant poem! I love it.simplisity works sometimes..:)*thumbsup*
taintedeternity Featured By Owner May 22, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
good job so open to interpitation :) its great
EvilCourts Featured By Owner May 22, 2004
Trains and death are fun-fun.
distortedbeauty Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
allo dear.
thank you for this piece. It's nice to see an artist push the envelope of their own creation.

My Granpa just jumped on the train about a week ago.

wonderful reflection.

Before we know it you'll be drawing!
(joking, yah?)
suzi9mm Featured By Owner May 21, 2004   Photographer
yeah, my mom was about to as well, that made me wrote this.

i drew until the age of 16 btw, and that's when i quit. i have one drawing uploaded in my gallery too, it explains itself pretty much.

distortedbeauty Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
I'm not scared of death anymore, that will most likely change all over again when I'm ready to go. For now I've almost a sense of complete compfort embracing that which I cannot control. Suppose the most recent funeral reinforced that a bit.

(We've talked about the drawing before. I go through spurts of drawing, rarely showing and never posting. Think there's one in my sifting23 account too.)

much love, enjoy your mom as much as possible.
dante-17 Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
i like it in some ways, the first stanza was good...and i was hopeing for more stanza. but then it ended kinda abruptly,,,but then again thats kinda how death is ends too short for someones likeing. i wish that there was more to read i enjoy reading it...i guess in a way you portrayed death...i like it :)
omega-supreme Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
Have you ever read The Leopard by Guiseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa? The chapter where he describes the Prince's death is on the most intreging things I think I've ever read on the subject of death. I'm certain that he, too, uses a train in his description.

It's the first things I thought of when I read this.
suzi9mm Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2004   Photographer
nope. but thanks for the hint. and sorry for being this late in thnaking for the comment.

vampyra69 Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
nice! i like the pic and the poem is short and sweet!
pecchio Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
I defenetely love the last sentece

"the trip ended where it began"

you're not a poet, you wrote it, but I liked this one :hug:
Vesiculae Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
You have a good metaphor here. You should run with it more...that is...if you ever decide to go back to this poem.
dottiemaggie Featured By Owner May 21, 2004
Very nice :nod: Short and simple, subtle but to the point. I enjoy pieces that don't speak directly to the topic (in this case, death) but just rely on the imagery of the words to show your meaning.
And I really like the imagery you used :nod: :clap:

suzi9mm Featured By Owner May 21, 2004   Photographer
thanks Maggie :)

i took the shot about 2-3 months ago.

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