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writings by dankasikai

Literature by ice-or-fire

Dark Fantasy Awesome Writing by ladyxdeath


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Submitted on
May 20, 2004
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at the station
one exhausted passenger
the train on the track whistles
you have to obey
get on it
and ride away

one exhausted passenger
the trip ended where it began
i'm no poet it is clear, but this was a way to express what i think of death, in some occasions at least.

inpsired by my mother and the song "matkustaja" by egotrippi
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:iconcoreydevon:
CoreyDevon Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013
I enjoyed it.
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:iconjasmineepearl:
JasmineePearl Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
this is rlly good!!! :D
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:iconmasterbasara:
MasterBasara Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2009
Well, for a none poet...This is really good:D
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:iconfashionett:
fashionett Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2008
it tells so much about death
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:iconbshuffett:
bshuffett Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007
It's not bad. I really enjoy your photography. If you get the chance, I'd love to see what you think of my writing on here :.)
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:iconfrozenrapids:
frozenrapids Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2007
very interesting view. I like your description
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:iconhawkwrangler:
hawkwrangler Featured By Owner May 11, 2006
You actually ARE a poet! You could convert this easily to a very powerful Haiku (sp?). Otherwise, it is powerful as is. I like this!!
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:iconcometdust:
COMETDUST Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2006   Writer
Was there ever a trip?
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:iconfinalminuet:
FinalMinuet Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005
Heh, I know you posted this a while ago, and you've pretty much forgotten about it by now, but I just wanted to comment.

First, it lacks any semblance of grammar. Remember these three rules of posting literature: capitalize, punctuate, and proofread. It doesn't take long, you don't have to be an expert writer to do it, and it makes a big difference.

Second, I like how you compare death to riding off on a train. It makes a lot of sense, and it's easy to visualize. Both are key components in metaphor and imagery. However, it seems to me that there really isn't much there to describe anything. You only used one adjective: exhausted. Very black and white, not colorful like a good description should be. And though it may seem contradictory, you can use a colorful description to paint a greyscale image.

Finally, the poem isn't very cohesive. It seems to be held together only by it's short length. If you were to rewrite and expand the idea further, you would definitely need to tie concepts together. Poetry isn't a line. It's a spider web, with each idea branching off of another, all tied together somehow.

The potential for a great poem is there, but it just needs to be refined. If you ever rewrite your poetry, feel free to use my suggestions at your own discretion. I would also be more than willing to help you out, if you so choose.
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:iconsuzi9mm:
suzi9mm Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005   Photographer
thank you for the thoughtful feedback. i'm not really getting into poetry though...no worries of that ;) if i should however, i would continue to reserve all rights to the punctuation, capitalization and proofreading.
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